Category Archives: Uncategorized

Looking Back

Been only two days.

Time, I talk many times about time. My mysterious fellow, unforgiving-straightforward foe. How do you live knowing you never stop even to glance at another things around you, huh, time?

I’m so different from you. I looked back a lot, of course, I never stayed in those shadows that cannot be touched anymore. But, I love rowing back on the river of past, just to have fun, or analyzing lesson I knew I’d learned.

The year of 2017 had been great! Surely I faced the ups and downs, we’re talking about bipolar tendency here, the personality that can’t be consistent. I’ve struggled a lot about this, but 2017 present all better for me. I mean, that’s the only way you can survive in all uncertainties, just be positive and, sometime, forgive yourself.

What I mean with forgive yourself is evaluating the bad decisions that you made, and turn it into the good one. How you can turn those over? By being better everyday and make it a lesson.

Like what I did during 2017 with this blog, I’ve been very inconsistent in writing here. But, instead of regretting that, I chose the other way. Instead of letting my blog empty because I don’t have any inspiration for assembling the stories yet, I put some random thoughts like this and posting my finished work.

Ah, I’m rambling! Please share with me what lesson you learned during 2017, and we can discuss it together! 😉


Happy New Year and Happy Everywhere, Everywhen


The street in Cikarang, West Java, Indonesia, after a new year celebration. Many cars pass by, but not at heavy traffic. No more fireworks. No wonder, it’s like the edge of the urban life that are in his way to be a developing city.


Happy new year!

Why happy? We can start a very lousy or miserable new year, but everyone chose the words.

A simple reason we all, I’m sure, already know, but maybe already forget why. I just read something stunning about our body. Dopamine. A neurotransmitter who makes us happy, in short.

No worries! I won’t make you bored with Dopamine 101 or whatsoever, just want to let you know that everyday situation we already used to, doesn’t release dopamine again.

Why, of course, you might think! But, the problem is the water from our faucet at home can cause of dopamine release on some people who might not have the easy way as we do everyday.

Like, Palestine which the clean water supply has been cut out by Israel, will be very happy when clean water come out from their faucets. Meaning, the brain has released dopamine. But, we’ll never think it matters anymore, and get upset easily if the faucet is stuck even only for one hour or even less.

That’s something we see everyday until it lost its real meaning. That our life actually is very easy, guys!

And a “Happy New Year” is one of the things we forgot. I might not know well, but I’m sure back then people said it to have a wish, a pray they whisper everyday because the past year hadn’t been very good.

Now, it seems just a word. A praying along with the words, seems more like a formality. At least, maybe I’m the only one who feels so.

There are a bigger meaning about those positive remarks. Not only because it’s a praying, but also because the words are suggestive. Those positive words will make us hope for a real happy year. Not expectation, fellas, because expectation holds a very selfish and too concrete an idea that it will be easily distract us from reality.

I think I did talk about hope and expectation in my blog before. Yes! Click this link please.

All in all, “Happy New Year” is not merely words, but a believe that a happy new year will come. And believe it or not, those kinds of thoughts will help increasing our confidence, to ourselves, to others, to surrounds.

And you always know those confidences can make us doing our activity better, be more determined in every thing we do, and our confidence will show itself in the result. I’m ensure you it way better that the usual before.


Happy new year!
Happy new year!
Happy new year again!


Regards from Indonesia from Cikarang, West Java, 01.37 WIB*


WIB : Waktu Indonesia Barat


You are there
At me lurking as you are
You stay ere
And be standing still more
Part of me you become
Past of you I bedone
Touch you I dare not
Still, to you I long
Oh stain
Grew inside down beneath
Oh disdain
Glow of me beseech
At the far
Clocks tick fast
As they scar
Crowds seek comrades
All but one
You are there
Smirking with lips that are bare
You stay ere
Still you haunt till I scatter
You are none
But me
Depok, 16 December 2017

Waktu yang Terlalu Jauh

Sekali aku pernah dengar perkataan, “kalau aku tidak menuliskan apa yang ada di kepalaku, aku akan mati.” Di sini, di dalam jiwaku sendiri, aku bisa merasakan apa yang ada di benak orang itu. Betapa kematian ada dalam beragam rupa dan mengintip dari banyak celah.

Tapi, begitu banyak pula alasan untuk tidak menulis. Atau, sederhananya, terlalu takut untuk menulis.



Kepincangan pribadi.

Sesuatu yang benar bukan dalam selongsong yang tepat. Rasionalisasi, itu saja yang diperlukan manusia untuk beralih dari situasinya, yang sebenar-benarnya. Dan aku sudah rasakan akibatnya. Pahit dan terlalu pahit. Kata-kata berlompatan dan tumpang-tindih semaunya, tidak mau teratur dan tidak bisa diatur.

Ekspresi yang tidak memadai, tidak mau berbenih dari waktu-waktu yang terbuang. Siapa bilang lebih banyak waktu maka lebih banyak karya? Kebohongan yang manis dari jiwa-jiwa pesimis yang hanya mau bermimpi dalam tidur. Waktu bukan apa-apa, kecuali kita yang menggandengnya.

Terlalu banyak bicara tentang waktu, sampai kehilangan makna di balik bayang-bayangnya. Bukan, bukan waktu yang menyembuhkan, tapi pikiran yang mengelanakan waktu ke peraduan semestinya, maka ia yang akan menang.

Aku sudah sekarat, tapi enggan untuk mati. Jadi, kulakukan hal yang sudah seharusnya, sejak lama, menginjak tanah dengan kakiku sendiri. Terseok jatuh bukan hal luar biasa. Bercengkerama dengannya, menjadi satu lalu menumbuhkan yang lain, barulah kemenangan pelan-pelan itu terjadi.

Inilah ketakutan yang kubicarakan, kemenangan pelan-pelan yang tak terasa, bahkan tidak tergubris oleh mata telanjang. Kemenangan yang diinjak oleh keserakahan dari pikiran yang terselubung jentik-jentik ekspektasi. Bergerombol pelik hingga hilang celah untuk mengintip.

Kadang, aku hanya tak sabar untuk melompat ke satu waktu yang belum lagi kukenal.


It’s Gone!

How do you feel if you finished a story, even though it is short, then suddenly it’s gone? Moreover, it was because your stupid mistake? I must tell you that I will have felt very upset if that happened. Yet, it did.

To find an inspiration such a rare case. Well, I can’t tell it’s really rare occasion, but still, for me, an inspiration costs more than a jewel. It’s very very at the high price, the highest, if you want to add more spice into it.

Especially, when my blog hasn’t been updated since…forever, I might say? It just struck me when it’s happened. But, it is what it is, right? Instead of caught of the silly moment of me, I’d rather fix that.

For me, to find another inspiration after that incident is really hard. I might be afraid of doing the same mistake. Then, I chose the easiest way; run away. Usually, I did. But, of course, I can’t always pull of the same “me” over and over again. Everyone must be changed, developed, and become something better than he/she ever was.

So, here we go, just write my heart out. I can’t scream it, it’s in the very early in the morning, the dawn hasn’t even been struck yet, so I just write whatever so I can move on with my life err…my writing, I mean. I really, really never thought that writing can be a very difficult job.

But, it’s still a lot of fun, because I love writing!

(Somehow I really really see this post like a young girl’s post, but whatever! 😀 )

Battlefield of Women



Trains at work hours are crazy. Then, the government company adds fire into it. That’s what we, Indonesians, called KKW. Kereta Khusus Wanita or female-only section in the train. The main reason was right, but it appears gathering women in one place is approved science of mistakes.

Lily never knew this one day will be hell out of a day. There she stands up in the train platform, as usual. Listening to music from her smartphone, just as another day. And just as every single day, she commutes from home to work in the KKW.

Her reason is pure and clear, she just doesn’t want to be harassed by some stupid horny guys who don’t even know how to push their social activities with other women. Total pathetic. They can’t get laid, then they feel it’s just right to splash his sperm to any woman’s butt. I mean, they might not even see the woman’s face.

And guess what, it’s exactly another reason to blame onto woman’s outfit. They actually decide to choose what women should wear and let the harassers excuse themselves of behaving like an animal.

You see, the solution doesn’t come up very nicely, but it appears to be the only solution. Instead of taking serious act to the harassing case, and teach men to disclose their desire into another healthy activities, something that doesn’t need to humiliate women or send women into the cage of decided outfit, they came up with this, KKW.

And other people, who don’t know what to do, just blurt out another impossible solution; whole women should go to KKW. To your information, there’s only 2 KKWs’ coaches of total 12 coaches in the whole train. And the women passengers of train like about 50% or more of the total passengers. In short, quite a number.

That’s what Lily had to face every single day. Whole bunch of stress and anxious women is definitely not a good sign. It’s not even a sign anymore, she already proves it. Every day! Lily watches almost each of them hurriedly goes into the front line of the queue, like a soldier prepares in the avant garde of war.

Well, she must be prepared, too.

First, she takes off the earphone, she doesn’t want it to be ruined, honestly. She puts her backpack to the front side of her body. Oh, this gonna be tough. She lashes out a big sigh, pull herself together. Here comes the train, here comes the second-hand Japanese train rolling down in the Indonesian railway in 2017.

The train is coming. Slowing down to the very front edge of the platform. Lily starts to push her way into the front line, but no luck. Instead, she gets a mean glare of few women in her way.

Oh, she would never try to get on fight with one of these women.

Train stops!

The screaming and yelling starts to swell up the air of train station.

“Awas! (1)”

“Hati-hati, dong! (2)”

“Ini ngapain, sih?! Cepetan masuk! (3)”

Lily shuts up her mouth, instead. It would be nonsense to argue in this kind of situation, but some women just can’t help it. Too much energy sends in their mouth’s nervous system, she guess.

She pushes more, it takes a lot of energy and motivation drive to actually accomplish a challenge so early in the morning, but she got to. She doesn’t want to be late for work. Why didn’t she just choose the cab, you say? It’s the beauty of living in Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia. The centralization of citizen has gone up to the very next level. Everyone thinks the same way, Jakarta is the only way of getting money for living. It means traffic everywhere you lay your eyes down.

It’s either not an option or a very bad option.

Someone pushes Lily. She staggers, loses balance for a while. But, she’s okay. It’s just the first stage of losing humanity phenomenon. She just has to step back in. “Stay put!” someone shouts and smack one of her eye with an elbow. Lily gasped. She felt dizzy and her left eyes feel burning.

Groaning hurtfully, she press her eye with her both hands. Does anyone feel sorry? Maybe, someone feels it, but definitely never helps her. Instead, this seems one of the chance to get rid one of the competitors. Lily can’t think of anything anymore and just let her body being pushed around.

She falls down right when the train’s door closes. As the train moves forward, she feels that the time has stopped just a minute or so. And she actually thinks it’s pretty nice.

Few women who choose not to get into the battle, approaching her and sends the words of sympathy. She smiles and said she’s okay, because you know, what is her choice? Bitching out to the innocent people? Well, not her way of life.

She stands up. The railway extending across the rocky road seems distant. And the exit gate up-close seems warm and comforting, whispering the soft voice to come home into the her safest sanctuary. What should she do now after she loses the battle?

One by one, people start to come and fill the train platform. It’s as if the former train never comes through the station. Lily stares each of them blankly. It’s another battle coming. Should be she in or out?

Notes :

(1) Watch out!

(2) Be careful, you!

(3) What are you doing?! Hurry up, get in!

Merdeka di atas Kertas


Tujuhbelas Agustus tahun 1945

Itulah tahun kemerdekaan kita (1)

Lagu itu berkumandang hingga langit pagi yang memucat. Dimana-mana, riang gembira semua menyanyikan. Mereka berangkat pagi, biar libur, untuk merayakan kebesaran bangsa, yang pada tahun 1945, tepat 72 tahun yang lalu, berhasil melepaskan diri dari kolonialisme yang menguruskan anak-anak bangsa itu.

Aku, sebaliknya, terlelap nyenyak di tempat tidur. Bukan, bukan karena tidak merasa kebahagiaan atas keberhasilan luar biasa itu, hanya tidak bisa larut dalam euforianya. Adzan Dzuhur berkumandang, baru aku bisa membebaskan diri dari pengaruh kuat rasa nyaman di tengah gumpalan lembut kapas-kapas yang sudah bertransformasi menjadi barang laknat peruntuh adrenalin itu.

Gontai, aku menatap rumah. Rumah itu sudah kokoh berdiri, mungkin beberapa bagian masih kusut masai, tapi ia berdiri tegap. Tanpa bendera. Apakah itu akan melanggar ketentuan negara? Yang jelas, sudah melanggar kode etik bangsa.

Aku pikir, seharusnya aku merasa bersalah. Tapi, tidak.

Merdeka itu apa, ya? Sekelebat kemudian, aku sudah masuk lagi. Belum, aku belum merasa begitu. Muram aku melihat seonggok kertas-kertas bisu. Kertas-kertas simbol birokrasi. Digerogoti oleh tikus-tikus pengerat yang haus materi. Sudah lapuk maknanya, bangkrut oleh ketiadasetiaan manusia antar manusia.

“Bayar segini dulu, baru bisa diurus,” kata-kata itu selalu kudengar, dari kiri, dari kanan, depan-belakang. Tidak habis-habis.

Suara sumbang itu mulai jarang terdengar. Tapi, kemalasan dan kelunglaian birokrasi masih nyata. Materi sudah tidak lagi dikuras, sekarang batin jadi sasaran. Katanya, zaman sudah berubah dan birokrasi sudah bebas korupsi. Nyatanya, tikus-tikus masih bersarang, sulit sekali untuk diusir karena sudah membangun liang-liang yang berparalel rumit.

Rumah ini belum berpemilik. Baru suara-suara tanpa kekuatan hukum saja yang merdu membuai. Tapi, kertas-kertas, pengikat sesungguhnya, simbol perkawinan antar rakyat dan penguasanya untuk rumah itu, belum terjadi. Sama saja, kau tinggal, dengan menyiapkan koper. Sewaktu-waktu, kau bisa saja ditendang dengan alasan-alasan kertas.

Kertas-kertas busuk. Dengan itu saja, manusia mudah sekali dipermainkan. Atau mempermainkan.

“Udah, laporin ke polisi.”

“Percuma, bukti-bukti kamu nggak kuat.”

Suara-suara, nasehat, usulan, tidak ada yang memberi solusi. Polisi? Apa mau mengurus masalah yang tidak jelas macam begini? Tidak ada pidana, tidak ada kejahatan, hanya dua manusia yang tidak bisa saling percaya.

Asas kepercayaan. Mungkin masih sedikit sekali yang berhasil terikat dengan asas itu. Sebagian yang lebih besar, lantang terbuang. Tak berhasil mengikat. Tak berhasil diikat. Asas keikhlasan. Itu lebih rumit lagi. Saat stres bertambah-tambah, asas itu lenyap dalam cerutu gerutu yang mengepul.

Tujuh belas Agustus tahun 2017, manusia belum merdeka dari kertas-kertas. Pernikahan harus diikat kertas, sewa-menyewa perlu dibelenggu kertas, nurani tewas di bawah kertas.

Suara wanita itu kabur saja dalam benakku. Ia menjelaskan guna dari kertas-kertas laknat itu. Dua jam setelah adzan Dzuhur, baru aku sukses merdeka dari rasa engganku sendiri. Enggan berkutat dengan realita yang sama sekali jauh dari indah.

Wanita itu masih berkicau. Ia menjelaskan prosedur, ia menjelaskan tata tertib. Keteraturan, dibuat-buat atau tidak, dia perlu. Tapi, yang dibuat-buat, hanya menimbulkan kekacauan tak kasat mata.

Aku mengangguk. Setiap kali ia menetapkan titik dalam kalimatnya, aku mengangguk. Seperti burung perkutut membangun sarang. Memang, sarang itu penting, makanya manusia rela manggut-manggut. Mau saja bersikap seperti hewan. Mungkin hewan lebih bermartabat, karena ia siap melepas nyawa untuk apa yang menjadi haknya. Dengan bertarung. Dengan berjuang.

Atau mungkin hanya aku yang jadi kasus dimana manusia kalah dari kertas.

Hari kemerdekaan bangsa Indonesia, hari lahir konstitusi yang disepakati rakyat, tidak bisa membuatku gegap gempita. Merdeka itu belum kudapat. Merdeka itu masih jauh dalam pikiranku. Sekarang, urus tanah saja dulu. Tanah yang harusnya jadi anugerah dari Tuhan, tanah yang hadir tanpa syarat, tanah yang kemudian dipaksa manusia untuk mengikut mau mereka.

Dan itu saja yang bisa ditawarkan realita. Tapi, tak apalah. Indonesia masih begitu hebat dalam merasionalisasi dan meredakan stres dengan cara mengalah. Realita itu masih membuat kita menunduk-nunduk di tengah kepungan global. Tapi, ia realita.

Realita selalu jauh dari indah, tapi dia tinggal menemani. Dia setia, tanpa syarat, tanpa kertas-kertas pengikat. Mungkin jauh lebih baik dari angan-angan memabukkan, tapi tak pernah berkawan setia.



Dirgahaya Negara Kesatuan Republik Indonesia

Perjalananmu masih panjang untuk mencapai kesempurnaan

Tapi, yakinlah rakyatmu akan terus menemani


Catatan kaki :

(1) Lirik lagu “Hari Merdeka (17 Agustus 1945)” oleh H. Mutahar (lirik lengkapnya mari lihat di sini)


How Long I Abandoned My Own Ship?


We can’t possibly be a good captain of the ship, if we always abandon the ship. This, at least I understand. Managing time, but especially managing the mood and inspiration, is the hardest part of writing activity.

You can stare the blank page of the paper (I’m really reluctant to mention Microsoft Word, which is the program I used to write, because it’s not romantic at all) for hours, nothing came out. Maybe you can force it, just to see your ship started to sink into the deep dark pit of a mess. Messy writing is the worst of all, although I still like to pull them through. I just want my blog to be filled with something, please don’t judge me!

But, lately, I did it again, I abandoned my own ship. I hope there are people who will be willingly read my blog, but it’s impossible if I updated it too long. As if the captain is lazing around, let the ship go really slow. No one can handle that, I can’t, at least!

I have one big rational reason for this. Lately, I’m busy preparing my website, please visit me here, too. If you care to know, just click this image, you will be directed to my new website right away!

Kiddy Reader Logo

It’s new, I bet it’s a little bit rough. It’s not an excuse, just me stating the facts. Hehe. Okay, I tried to find any excuse, big fails!

I will explain a tiny bit about this site. It’s for children mostly, the content is children-friendly-something, but it’s actually very useful for the Moms and Dads in selecting books to read for their children. Yep, it’s a site contains reviews of children’s book. Also, I put the special page for children representing their creativity. I really want the children to have fun in my site!

And, of course, for anyone who loves to read children’s books, I’m inviting you to review your own choice of book. There is the free page for guests, too. In case you have an urge to write your own reviews. Or maybe for parents who just find the great book for the children and wanna share to the other children all over the world, I am welcoming you to write!

Well, back to the topic. The abandonment is really have a good reason, right? I hope you think it is. And if you don’t, you may silent forever. L.O.L

Now, I’m back to the game. Hopefully, with a big steel anchor of powerful wills and a giant whirling propeller to drive me further, I will be able to handle few blogs in one go. Yes, I know, hope will never be enough without the actual action.

So, here we go!



Source Image :

Run. Run.


Every nerve in my entire body scream. If they had lung, they would take a very good use to it. I kinda grateful, they don’t. My whole body shivers of the tickling sensation suddenly rush into my blood. The energy suddenly came uninvited overrule the logic of my brain. Sensation so ecstatic, yet horrifying.

This house is empty, but there seems every sound decided to make an assembly. Converged in the center of the room. The ticking sound of clock, the whirl of summer breeze wind, the leaves brushed each other, the faint of people’s voice from distance might be so far away.

Have you ever done yourself consecutively 48 hours sleepless? It felt like every pore of your skin wide open, accepting everything that crawls over it. Like a fanatics accepting each and every word from their heroes. No need to filtrate, they just believe.

And their brain became meaningless. Only instincts.

I close my eyes, absorb every sensation, every sensory, my brain has magnetized them all. Built them up inside my mind, create one big fuss of tornado. I want them to stop, I want them to stay. I love them, yet I’m afraid of them.

Water will calm them down. I feel like floating, walk thoughtlessly to the bathroom. I splash my face with the transparent crystal water. They are purifying the lost soul. Wash every dirt, every germs of life. “I gotta do this,” the sound of whisper so loud in my ear. “I am the chosen one.”

I am the chosen one.

They tell me that I am special. They tell me I am the chosen one. So, I gotta do this. I will be the hammer of the God. The messenger of the world that has been so corrupted. The bag pack is ready. It is only a simple bag pack. Just like me, we are sharing the resemblance. At one glance, no one will recognize us. They kept passing by, never care, took no notice. Don’t you think it will be the day that everyone understands us? That we are matter. That we are valuable.

“Come, my friend. We will be one.”

To Sarinah(1) we go. To consign the commandment of God people started to forget. More so, they started to forget God. How come I forgive such a sin?

It feels like floating, I can’t feel my leg. I can’t feel anything but big fuss of tornado attacking my mind. Blinding my vision as I come into the van that take me to the location. The sacred place we chose to execute the God’s will. They told me so, I will just believe them.

My eyes wide open. I found myself in the middle of open street. Big road of Sarinah. Everyone is finally looking at me, consider me, acknowledge me. They are running around frantically, policemen surrounded me and my only friend. Two persons, that’s all you need to bring out the ruckus.

I feel my pulse beating like crazy. My heart is thumping out. Under the big wide open sky, the sun shine upon me like the enormous endless spotlight. The policemen, they’re trying to stop me.

Don’t they understand? I don’t want to be stopped. Nor be forgiven. I will be forever in your mind, stuck like a parasite that invade your nightmares. I want you to be scared, I want you to remind me, forever.

God, make me yours. Make me matter. 

Footnote :

(1) At January 14th, 2016, two people attacked Sarinah, Central Jakarta, Indonesia, terrorizing people with suicidal bombs and gunfire.